The Pains of Love
by Atsureki
Summary: Love is hard on you especially if you don't understand it. Yuki is forced to take a hard look at himself when Shuichi leaves. First gravific...
1. Chapter 1

My first Gravi-fic *phew* Now there is most likely some strange OOC-ness in here since I haven't watched the series yet *pout* That goes for what diffrent characters call others too. I decided to go easy on nicknames and such since I really have no idea what they call each other. When I get my hands on the series I will either change whatever errors and stuff I can find or delete the whole thing depending on how far off track I am. And some parts might seem a little strange and confusing but hopefully it'll clear up when you read the whole thing.

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please). 

Notes : There are a few japanese words in there that you all probably know by heart but I'll explain them anyways.   
Baka : stupid, here it means idiot  
Himitsu : secret (not that it really matters what it means in here)   
And then we have Akira's nickname Aka. Aka means crimson-red and well you'll understand why I call him that. And speaking of Akira... I have no clear grasp of what a therapist like him does so I've just gone with what I know about being disconnected from your feelings, a subject I'm pretty familier with unfortanelly. 

Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics

Anything else? *thinks* If you love soccer you'll prolly recognize Akira's last name. And if so you're right it is taken from the goalkeeper of the Japanese soccer team. 

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 1

Yuki rubbed his eyes and put away his glasses. He had no idea of how late it was and he didn't really care. Writing was his living and he'd do it all night if the inspiration kept on flowing. His apartment was quite and dark which meant that Shuichi wasn't at home. Yuki frowned slightly and leaned back. His pink-haired lover had been acting very strange lately. There had been no screaming, no skipping around and no clinging. It should please him since it usually drove him nuts but instead he realized that he missed it, although he would never admitt that to anyone. A sharp sound penetrated the darkness and caused the blonde to wince. Again the sound shot through his ears. _Doorbell, _Eiri muttered in his head. Since he hadn't been buzzed by the intercom it was most likely Shuichi, back to bother him. _The little idiot probably forgot his keys again. _Slowly Yuki got up and walked over to the door. He got ready to be jumped by an excited pink ball of energy and opened the door. But the man standing outside wasn't Shuichi.   
"We need to talk." Yuki found himself being pushed aside.   
"Hiro," he objected and closed the door to face his lover's best friend.   
"Shuichi isn't here, huh?" It wasn't really a question but the blonde shook his head.   
"He's probably still at the studio." Hiro gave him a look filled with anger and dislike.   
"It's 2 am we all left the studio hours and hours ago. Don't you even know where Shuichi is?" Eiri thought for a moment and shrugged.   
"He's not here so he's somewhere else," he answered sounding like he really couldn't care less but inside he felt a tiny sting of worry.   
"Ah my mistake. Mistook you for someone who cares," Hiro snorted with anger.   
"I'm not Shuichi's mother, he can come and go as he pleases," the blonde stated flatly. Hiro narrowed his eyes and glared at him.   
"Then it will probably not interest you that for the past week Shuichi hasn't been able to sing, he doesn't talk, he doesn't smile. What did you do to him?" The question was accusing enough to cause Yuki to shuddered inside. His face might not show how he felt but he was really worried now.   
"I didn't do anything to him," Eiri objected although he knew that that wasn't true at all.   
"Of course you didn't. You never 'do' anything Yuki, and you don't even care about how much that hurts Shuichi!" Hiro growled and turned around. "Cold hearted bastard!" The guitarist almost ripped the door from the wall before he walked out and slammed it shut behind him. Yuki stared after him for a while before he hurried into the bedroom to get a jacket in order to go and look for his lost lover. It took him a few moments before he noticed a piece of paper lying on his pillow.   
"What's this?" He had gotten up after Shuichi had left and it hadn't been there then. "Maybe he came back here while I was out earlier?" the novelist pondered as he picked the note up. Slowly he read it. 

__

I'm not coming back again. You don't want me there and I don't want to live like that anymore. I've taken some of my things with me and will send someone to get the rest. I hope you're happy now that I'm gone because you weren't happy when I was there. I'm sorry for being such a bother.   
Shuichi

Yuki read it again and swallowed. This wasn't right. Shuichi would never really leave him, right? Shuichi loved him, didn't he? Okay so the singer had shed alot of tears because of him but Eiri had... hoped... that Shuichi understood that he didn't mean to hurt him on purpose. _Sure he understands that. It's perfectly normal to act the way you do, _a voice muttered with sarcasm inside the blonde novelist's head. _Making people cry has always been the best way to show you care! _  
"Oh shut up!" Yuki barked. _Well you should be happy now. Shuichi is gone and you're alone. Isn't that the way you want it? _Eiri closed his eyes and slowly shook his head. No, actually that wasn't how he wanted it at all. He took the note in his hand and left the bedroom. Filled with bad feelings the blonde picked up the phone and dialed a number. It rang for a long time before somone picked up.   
"This better be good or I'll find you who ever you are and shoot you," an irritated voice snarled in english.   
"This is Yuki Eiri," the novelist said carefully knowing that the man on the other end of the phone was deadly serious about his threat.   
"What the hell do you want?"   
"K have you seen Shuichi? It's late and he hasn't come home yet," Yuki said slowly.   
"He left the studio at about 4 pm. Speaking of Shuichi you really should talk to him! He hasn't been able to do anything right lately," K muttered. Eiri frowned deeply and hung up. Why hadn't he noticed what was going on with Shuichi? Was he really that blind and ignorant when it came to his lover? Yuki rubbed his temples and went back to the bedroom. Most of Shuichi's clothes were gone and the wardrobe seemed sadly empty due to it.   
"Shuichi where are you?" the novelist asked into the dark room. "Please come back to me..."

Shuichi wrapped the blanket tighter around himself. He just couldn't stop shaking. The blanket didn't really help at all for it wasn't because he was cold that his body kept on trembling. The boy-like man closed his eyes and winced at the familier face that appeared. He had never thought that it would be so hard, so painfull to leave Yuki even though he had done it before. But it had never been like this. In the past he had always thought they would get back together but not this time. The blonde novelist with those cold golden eyes was never nice to him, well almost never anyway, but all the hard words and all the other things were not half as painfull as this.   
"It doesn't matter," the young man mumbled. "He doesn't want me and he doesn't need me." No matter how mean, cold or unsymphateic the novelist had been in the past Shuichi had always thought that Yuki really cared for him deep down inside. The hurt the pink-haired man had felt when he realized that it wasn't so, had been unbareble. Everything crumbled down on him. He couldn't sing, smile or talk like he used to anymore. Singing was his life but at the moment he just couldn't do it like he used to. What was the point anyway? Singing wouldn't keep him happy, even though it was one of the things he loved the most, and it most certainly wouldn't give him love. Sure the fans loved him but not the way he wanted and needed to be loved. All he really wanted was for someone... _Scratch that,_ Shuichi thought, _all I want is for Yuki to need me, love me. _But that wasn't going to happen. Yuki Eiri didn't need anyone and most likely didn't love anybody either. Tears formed in his big eyes. _Pathetic! _he scolded himself. _I'm crying tears for someone who doesn't even care about me._ It hurt that Yuki didn't love him, but it hurt even more that he hadn't even cared enough about him to come looking for him even though Shuichi wasn't sure he really wanted him to. He was so confused and torn apart by what he had done. There were so many reasons for him to leave and they were making it impossible for him to stay. Yuki needed so much more than he could give. Yuki didn't love him, probably didn't even care about him? Being with Yuki hurt, being without Yuki killed him. There was no way out, no place to hide anymore. Reality had finally caught up with the singer and it was pounding him into the ground with no mercy what so ever. Tears filled up his eyes again as he desperatly tried to crawl away from the harsh world that had dawned on him. He was trying to do the right thing, even if it might destroy him in the end but he knew that he had to do this so why did it feel so very wrong? Shuichi hugged himself. He didn't even make sense to himself anymore. 

Eiri flipped over to his back and stared at the ceiling. It was hard to go to sleep when the bed was so empty. He missed the soft snoring he usually could hear, he missed the shift of the mattres coming from when Shuichi turned in his sleep. The novelist sighed. The second he understood that the pink-haired singer had left him he wanted to run after him, beg him to come back. But he hadn't because... _Because you have too much pride and because you love him,_ the dry voice in his head filled in. _You're staying away cause you don't want to hurt him anymore. _Yuki closed his eyes. That was true even though it sure as hell didn't feel right. Shuichi had left him and the novelist wanted him back but Hiro's words kept on echoing inside his head. _He's right you know,_ the voice muttered. _You don't do much of anything except hurt Shuichi and you don't even care about the pain you inflict on him. _  
"I do care!" Eiri spat out loud. "It's just that I... I..." His words died out. _It's just that you're too much of a coward to let him know how you really feel. _The blonde man swallowed hard. There was truth in that too. _Ponder this for a moment Yuki Eiri, _the dry voice said. _Shuichi loves you, that much is obvious and he most likely left because he thinks you don't need or love him right? _Yuki nodded feeling pretty foolish having a conversation with himself. _But you and I both know that you do love him and that you need him. Now with this information why the hell didn't you go looking for him? Are you so stupid that you don't realize that he's probably devastated that you care so little about him that you can't even be bothered with checking on him? And further more...do you really think he'll ever come back to you when you act like this? _Eiri closed his eyes and hugged himself. Whatever part of his mind that damn voice belonged to it sure knew which buttons to push.   
"But I'm always hurting him," he objected. _Here's a thought... STOP HURTING HIM! _his mind's voice yelled. Sure it was easy to say that but a whole lot harder to actually do. It wasn't like Yuki hadn't tried to be nice to the pink-haired energy ball that was his lover. But something always came inbetween. _I'm gonna shut up now cause it's been two weeks since Shuichi left so you've probably ruined any chance you might have had anyways. _With that said the voice became quiet. The silence that filled the room and his head was broken by the doorbell. Quickly Eiri got up and hurried to the door. _Please let it be Shuichi,_ he begged to himself. The door was opened and a unfamilier pair of deep green eyes looked at him.   
"Yes?" the novelist asked with confusion. How did all these people manage to get inside the building without having to buzz him?   
"Are you Yuki Eiri?" the stranger asked with a deep but smooth voice.   
"That's me." The other man eyed him for a moment before brushing away a lock of crimson hair from his face.   
"I'm here to pick up the rest of Shu's things." Yuki frowned and felt a pull of panic in his heart.   
"Who the hell are you?!" he demanded to know shooting daggers at the stranger.   
"My name is Narazaki Akira but please feel free to call me Aka."   
"Well, Narazaki, Akira, Aka, whatever, I'm not just going to hand Shuichi's stuff over to you," the novelist growled. "How do I even know that you'll give them to him?" Akira let out a cackling laugh.   
"Oh that's not the problem here is it? The problem is that you're worried about Shu. You miss him and it hurts that someone you don't know showed up instead of him," Aka said with a smile. Yuki had to take a step back. The blonde never gave away feelings unless he chose to do so how had those manage to slip out? Those green eyes felt like the could see straight through to his soul and it wasn't a pleasent feeling at all. "Eiri we can do this in two diffrent ways. Either you just give me the things and I'll leave, or you'll let me in and we can talk." Unable to do anything else the blonde novelist stepped aside to allow the crimson-haired man in. 

Akira walked past the shorter man into the living-room. It amused him how it had effected Yuki that he seemed to knew exactly how he felt.   
"I suppose you have a few questions for me," he said softly and sat down. The novelist glared at him for a while.   
"Who are you?"   
"A friend of Shu's. We met about two weeks ago, on the very same night he left you actually," Akira explained. "Found the poor little bastard wandering outside my building in the middle of the night."   
"Don't you dare call him a bastard!" Yuki snarled and narrowed his eyes with hate.   
"Easy there blondie!" Aka laughed. "You're hardly one to talk, are you? You call him all sorts of things but the diffrence is that I say it with affection." The blonde bit his lip as the tall man's words stung him.   
"Shut up! Where's Shuichi?"   
"Sorry can't tell you that, but I can say this much... I'm looking after him in every way I can."   
"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Akira chuckled softly. So the novelist was jealous.   
"It means exactly what it sounded like. I've taken your former lover under my wing and between you and me he needed that," the crimson-haired man answered.   
"You perverted asshole!" Yuki roared. "You're twice his age!" Again Akira chuckled.   
"Actually I'm more than twice his age, but Shu doesn't seem to mind." Yuki's face turned a dangerous shade of white from those words. Aka frowned to himself. _Stop teasing the poor man, _he muttered in silence. "Eiri you have to let others see how you feel or this will always be the way relationships end for you," the tall man said softly.   
"You don't know anything about me!" the blonde growled with anger.   
"You'd be surprised if you knew how much I know about the way you act. I've worked with people like you for 25 years and unless they change their ways nothing will improve for them." Yuki stared at him.   
"You're a... shrink?" Aka smiled softly at the blonde and shook his head.   
"Not exactly, I'm a behaviour therapist, my speciality lies with people who are disconnected from their feelings." 

By: Atsureki

Dunno if you noticed but Akira is a very rude man *nods* Hm actually he's a lot like me... *laffs* When I wrote this there had just been a murder in Japan. A dude killed his friend because he didn't use -san after his name *rolls eyes* Akira is even ruder since he really should refer to Eiri as Yuki-san (if I'm not completely off track) Or even better Uesugi-san Eiri's real family-name. Why am I babbling about this? *smacks herself over the head* Sorry minna-san 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of. Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC?, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please). 

Notes : There are a few japanese words in there that you all probably know by heart but I'll explain them anyways.   
Baka : stupid, here it means idiot  
Himitsu : secret (not that it really matters what it means in here)  
Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 2

Hiro looked at his best friend and sighed deeply. All that hurt in Shuichi's eyes broke his heart. If he could he would gladly trott over to Yuki Eiri and rip his heart out, if the cold hearted bastard had one, but that would only add more pain to those big eyes infront of him.   
"Shu," the auburn-haired man mumbled and reach out to wipe away the tears that slowly ran down smooth cheeks. Bad Luck's vocalist let out a low whimper and more or less fell against his friend's chest. Hiro closed his eyes and damned the day Shuichi had met Yuki. "Sch, calm down Shuichi, please," he begged and slowly tilted up the fragile face.   
"I'm sorry Hiro but it just hurts so much," Shuichi sobbed. Hiro drew a deep breath and nodded.   
"Maybe you should go and see Yuki?" he suggested quietly.   
"Why? What's the point? He doesn't care about me at all and all I do is mess things up for him." The taller man frowned. Neither of that was true and he knew it even though he had himself stated the latter straight to Yuki Eiri's face. The complicated novelist did care but he couldn't show it, not even to his lover and that was what really pissed Hiro off.   
"Shu you can't just hide from him forever you know. Sooner or later you will have to deal with him, your feelings and everything around..." The guitarist's voice was soft as his fingers ran through the pink fluff covering the boy-like man's head. "Sooner or later you will have to sing again too." Shuichi jerked away from him with anger in his eyes.   
"Sing? Sing! Why should I sing? What good does singing do me?" Hiro smiled softly.   
"Some people run when they hurt, some drink, some beat the crap out of others and when you hurt you sing Shu. K fixed us a small gigg at a club next week and I'm asking, no begging you to take it. If not for yourself then for me."   
"I don't think I could sing even if I wanted to Hiro," Shuichi mumbled.   
"It'll just be you and me, the way it all started. The crowd will be small and I think you need this." With a sigh the pink-haired singer nodded.   
"I'll try for you Hiro but I can't promise that I'll be able to sing..."

Yuki sunk back on the couch and stared infront of him. Aka had been talking to him for hours before he finally left, without taking any of Shuichi's things with him. That was several days ago and even though it still felt alarming that a complete stranger knew so much about him it also almost felt good. It was rare but Yuki Eiri had been forced to take a real good look at himself and that had been very scary but it had also given him a glimt of how he worked, or didn't work. At the moment the novelist was utterly confused and his need to understand so grave it almost tore him apart. Aka had calmly told him that he was hurting himself and others by shutting down his emotions because he thought it would keep him in controle and safe. Eiri sighed. There was truth in that even if he really didn't want to realize it. The crimson-haired man had also told him that many of his patients hurt people they loved because sometimes they felt the need to see pain in someone else's eyes.   
"Is that why I hurt Shuichi?" the blonde asked out loud. Aka's words came almost as an answer although the man was no longer there.   
"I think you were driving Shuichi away just to see if he'd come back to you. You want to test his feelings for you. And when you had done that often enough he'd stay away and then you'd have confirmation that he doesn't love you, that you're not worthy of being loved. But now that you might have succeeded you're not happy are you?" The novelist hadn't answered but inside he knew very well that he wasn't happy at all. He missed Shuichi's laugh, his voice, his touch, his presence and he missed his love. It felt like someone had taken a knife and carved away half his body and mind.   
"How did it get like this? When did I start to need him so much?" Yuki asked the room. The dry hollow voice in his head came alive and started whispering to him. _You needed him before you even met him Eiri. You needed someone who took care of you, who loved you just as you needed someone to take care of, someone to love. But at the same time you're too scared to open up and let Shuichi in. Why can't you see that he'd never betray you the way your sensei did? How can you even think so little of Shuichi? _it mumbled inside of him. For the first time in his life Yuki knew that the voice in his head was really way off track. That wasn't why he couldn't let Shuichi inside his heart.   
"Wrong," he sighed. _Then why are you insisting on shutting him out and hurting him so much? _the voice wondered sounding a little confused. "I... I don't know," the blonde admitted. "I just know that I've caused him so much pain, been the reason for so many tears. I won't do it anymore because I... I..." _Can't you even admitt that you love him when you're all alone? _the voice muttered. _Really Eiri you are too pathetic. What do you think will happen if you say those three little words? Are you expecting the sky to fall down on your head? Is this the way you want you're life to be forever? Do you want to be 60 years old, scarred, defeated and numb by loneliness? _Yuki winced at the flash he saw. An old Eiri completely consumed with being unloved and uncapable of giving love.   
"Stop it!" he growled. "You're jumping way ahead of time here!" The voice chuckled at him. _It's been almost 10 years since that day in New York and you still can't get pass it, what makes you think that 20, 30 or even 40 years will make a diffrence? You don't want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyways... Go find Shuichi and tell him how you feel before it's too late. _The voice went silent again and Yuki hugged himself. "It's already too late," he whimpered and damned himself for not being able to cry. Suddenly his mind pulled away to show him a few scens from what probably had lead to Shuichi's decision to leave him. 

//"YUKI!" The cheerfull voice shot through the apartment just split seconds before a pink ball of pure energy came launching towards him. Arms were wrapped around his neck and huge eyes look at him with love. With an annoyed snarl Yuki pushed his lover off and sent him crashing down on the floor.   
"Baka!" Shuichi stared at him with pain in his beautiful eyes.   
"Why are you so mean to me?" Yuki snorted at the question and turned his back at the sobbing man. "Yuki?"   
"Shut up Baka! Can't you be quiet for two seconds?" the novelist growled with irritation even though he actually was thrilled to see his lover home so early.   
"I don't understand why you always act like this," Shuichi said with hurt. "I was just glad to see you." The pain in that smooth voice was enough to send a guilty stab to the blonde's heart but he had had too many years to perfect his skill of not showing his emotions to faulter.   
"There's a lot of things you don't understand Baka! Now get lost!" _Why are you doing this Eiri_? the dry voice asked but the novelist ignored it.   
"But.. but I just got here."   
"I said get lost! I don't want you here!" Yuki was screaming inside. Everything he said meant the exact opposite. He glanced over his shoulder in time to see Shuichi get up and give him a look of complete and utter sadness before the fragile man turned around and left.// 

Yuki sighed at the memory. It wasn't the first time he had acted that way and it hadn't been the last time either. For some reason he had a twisted need to hurt Shuichi and he didn't understand it nor did he want it to be that way anymore. Another memory called out for his attention and the novelist sighed again as he let his mind wander to an incident a few days after the first one he had seen. 

//Shuichi looked at him with hurt, again. Tears formed in the corners of his huge lavender eyes and ran down his cheeks.   
"Why Yuki?" The question was asked so quietly Eiri almost didn't hear it.   
"Because I don't like you a whole lot right now and I don't need you hanging around me every damn minute! For once could you just shut up and leave me alone?" Yuki snarled with anger in his golden eyes while his inside screamed in regret.   
"But I..." the pink-haired singer objected.   
"Shuichi get out of here, now!" the novelist screamed and pointed to the door. "If you don't leave I'll throw you out!" Shuichi shivered from the harsh words and left him alone.// 

With pain Eiri pushed away that memory too. He had managed to break his lover with all those hard and cruel words.   
"Why? Why am I doing this to him?" the blonde asked and rested his face in his hands. Every time he wanted to pull Shuichi into his arms and just tell him how he felt some dark part of his mind and soul took over and did the exact opposite. The phone pulled Yuki from the painfull questions and memories.   
"Yes?" he answered slowly.   
"Eiri, Aka here," a deep and smooth voice said at the other end. The novelist frowned and gripped the phone tighter.   
"What do you want?" Aka chuckled at the flat tone in his voice.   
"Was all my talking for deaf ears? Anyways, I just wanted to tell you to come to Club Himitsu tonight."   
"Give me one reason why," Yuki snorted. He was tired, annoyed and confused and in no mood what so ever to go to any club.   
"Shu is going to sing there tonight and if you don't show up I'll drag you there, understand?!" Akira said harshly making it absolutely clear how serious he was. The novelist sighed.   
"What time?"   
"Be early I don't think we need Shu to know you're there he has enough problems as it is already. I'll expect you at around 7 pm," Aka mumbled and hung up. Yuki frowned. He wanted to see Shuichi again but he was scared. It wasn't like he had a choice though, Akira was stubborn enough to really show up and drag him there kicking and screaming. With a sigh the novelist got up and glanced at the time. He had about three hours to get ready and head for the club. Slowly the blonde made his way to the bedroom to get dressed. 

Hiro looked at his friend and shook his head. Shuichi was trembling and didn't seem to know which foot to stand on. It had been so hard for him to accept that he had to sing again but Hiro thought that the slender man infront of him really needed to do it.   
"Shu you have to calm down," he said quietly to his friend.   
"I can't Hiro. I don't want to do this anymore, please," Shuichi begged.   
"I know that the crowd is a lot bigger than it was supposed to be but if you don't do this you might never be able to preforme again. Is that what you want?" The singer shook his head and lowered his eyes to the floor. Hiro reached out and caressed his friend's hair. He knew why Shuichi was so scared of going on stage again. For the last year he hadn't sung a single song infront of a crowd without Yuki being there. By doing that he would really put an end to their relationship and that scared the fragile man more than anything. "You can sing the song you wrote earlier this week," Hiro suggested. Maybe it would be easier if it was a song that had been written after he split up with the novelist? Maybe it wouldn't make any diffrence at all...  
"But we haven't..."  
"Shu you know the words by heart just as I know the cords. If you want to do that song we'll do it." The singer nodded slowly.   
"Do you have the guitar for it?"   
"I brought it just in case," Hiro smiled. 

Akira frowned and looked at the time. Almost 9 pm and still no sign of the stubborn novelist.   
"Ah wait a minute there he is," the crimson-haired man snickered to himself. "Eiri over here." The blonde came up to him with a sombre look on his face. "You made it even if you are two hours late. Good, good now let's get you in there before they go on stage." Aka grabbed Yuki's arm and lead him into the club and the crowd that filled it to the brink. It had taken the therapist about two second so see how badly the novelist was doing. He might not be able to tell or show anyone that he loved Shuichi but the pain in those golden eyes said it clearly enough at the moment.   
"I really shouldn't be here." Aka glanced over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.   
"Maybe you shouldn't but I think you need to hear Shu sing. You need to see how he's doing." Whatever it was that Yuki answered, Akira didn't hear it over the roar that rose from the excited crowd. Hiro entered the stage and smiled at them. For a moment he waved to get them to quiet down.   
"Thanks for coming everybody! I want to ask you to keep it down tonight, our favourite singer has a bad case of the nerves and if you scare him he'll refuse to sing at all." The crowd clapped and Hiro got their promise. With a smile the auburn-haired man took a seat on a bar-stool and picked up an acoustic guitar. The crowd went completely silent. 

By: Atsureki 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? The song "I'm stupid (you're smarter)" is not mine it belongs to Prime Sth and is used without premission *whimpers*. Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please). 

Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 3

Yuki stared at the sight infront of him and realized that he forgot to breathe. Slowly a fragile form climbed onto the stage and made his way to the microphone. Shuichi looked awful. He was pale, trembling and looked even thinner than he used to. The novelist shuddered. _I'm the one who did that to him, _he sighed inside. With hesitation Shuichi looked at Hiro who nodded to him.   
"We're gonna let you hear our newest song tonight. It's called I'm stupid, you're smarter," the boy-like man said slowly. Even his voice had changed. It was still rich and beautiful but it lacked all its former fire. Yuki stared at his lover, no former lover, and felt a sting of pain in his heart. Hiro had started caressing the strings on his guitar and sad tones filled the otherwise quiet club. Then a sad, almost trembling voice started to sing. 

~I'm stupid   
You're smarter   
I'm stupid thinking there's a way   
This could turn out right 

I'm dreaming   
You woke up   
I should have known from the start   
That you were never mine

So if I can make you love me   
You're out of reasons to stay   
Make it easy on yourself   
And don't worry about me   
And make you feel something you don't~

The lyrics so easy to hear over the soft sounds of the acoustic guitar floated towards Yuki. Each word held so much pain and sorrow he hardly could believe it was possible. Shuichi's voice was sad but still strong as he moved his eyes over the crowd. _He's crying, _Eiri realized and had to force himself not to run up to the young man and do something, anything to wipe that hurt away. He knew that Shuichi had wrote those words and he knew what he had been thinking about when he did it. _He's wrong, _Yuki screamed inside._ I have always been and always will be his. I just can't show it and he's never made me feeling anything I didn't already feel._ The next eight lines almost broke his heart and he could clearly see that they did the exact same thing to Shuichi. 

~I'm crying   
Don't pity   
I'm dying to just walk away   
I'm going to be alright 

Cause I'm screaming   
You woke up   
I'm gonna miss you, but I'm   
Going to be alright 

So if I can make you love me   
You're out of reasons to stay   
Make it easy on yourself   
And don't worry about me   
If I can make you love me   
Then you're not the one here to blame   
I will make it on my own   
Don't worry about me 

I'm stupid   
You're smarter   
I'm stupid   
Thinking there's a way   
This could turn out right 

So if I can make you love me   
You're out of reasons to stay   
Make it easy on yourself   
And don't worry about me   
If I can make you love me   
Then you're not the one here to blame   
I will make it on my own   
Don't worry about me~

The whole club went silent when the last word was sung and Hiro stopped playing. After a moment the crowd went mad. They screamed, roared and begged for another song but Shuichi just turned around and left, his face wet from tears and his body screaming out its regret. There he had done it. He had preformed a song without Yuki being there to hear it and now it was all over. This was the last thing he had had left to cling to but now it was gone too. Shakingly he made it to the room reserved for him and Hiro and sank down on one of the chairs. With a whimper he started crying and wrapped his arms around himself. The song's lyrics said: I'm going to miss you, but I'm gonna be alright, but that wasn't true. Shuichi hid his face in his hands. It didn't matter that he knew that Yuki didn't love him it still hurt so much. The love he carried inside was tearing him apart and he didn't understand why. What kind of love was it that he gave when all he had ever done was stand in Yuki's way, fail him and hurt him? The door opened and Hiro came in. Without a word the taller man pulled the singer into his arms and gently rocked him back and forth. 

Akira watched Eiri as Shuichi left the stage. For someone who had spent so many years hiding all his feelings, except those he wanted to show, the novelist's face was extremly open at the moment. The hurt and sadness in his eyes were breathtaking and so were the tears that unknowingly fell down his cheeks. There was no question about how much Yuki loved Shuichi but then that had never really been the problem as far as Aka could tell. No, the problem was whatever the novelist hid in his past, whatever demons he had trapped inside of him. That was what kept him from being honest with his feelings and it was also what forced him to act the way he did.   
"Eiri?" he asked softly and placed a big hand on the blonde's shoulder. The novelist didn't answer he just turned his sad golden gaze to the older man and slowly shook his head. "Now do you understand why you needed to see and hear this?"   
"Help me Aka, please help me," Eiri begged and twisted his hands seeming completely helpless about his actions and words. "Help me, help Shuichi." Akira smiled slightly and nodded.   
"Come, I think it's time you met Shu face to face again." Yuki tried to object but Aka presisted. "You need to look into his face and think about how much it's worth to erase the hurt from it. If you find that it's worth giving in a little and placing a few of your feelings on the line then do it, if not then walk away and continue hiding behind that wall you've spent so much time building up." Akira's voice wasn't kind or soft it was simply honest. 

Yuki didn't know what he was doing and he didn't care anymore. For the third time in almost ten years he had cried and he knew all too well that he had a lot of tears left to shed. What he had done was cruel and mean and only time would tell if Shuichi could find it in his heart to forgive him, to give him another chance. Aka lead him through a corridore that would take him to see Shuichi. All too soon they stopped infront of a door and the crimson-haired man knocked on it. After a few moments Hiro opened and stared at the novelist.   
"It's okay Hiro," Akira said quietly. "Just take a little walk and I'll try to sort this out." For a moment the auburn-haired guitarist seemed unsure but then he nodded.   
"Take care of him Yuki, I don't want to see him hurt like this ever again," Hiro said softly after taking a second glance at the writer's tear-streaked face. Aka stepped aside to allow the other man to exit and then pulled Eiri inside with him. Shuichi was sitting a few feet away from them looking like he was trying to hide from the world by crawling inside of himself.   
"It's up to you now Eiri," Akira said slowly before leaving and closing the door behind him. For a moment Yuki just stood there. Shuichi didn't seem to have noticed that he was there and the novelist didn't know what to do. Slowly the singer lifted his face and stared at him. A very long time seemed to pass before Shuichi let out a sufficated scream. That snapped Yuki out of his numbness.   
"Shuichi," he whispered and reach out to the petit male infront of him. Another scream was heard before the singer threw himself at the blonde man. Yuki pulled him into his arms, almost pressing the pink-haired singer right through him. "I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry" the novelist breathed. Shuichi didn't say anything he just wrapped his arms around that body he loved so much and pushed everything else away. 

He didn't know how long he had been standing there pressed against Yuki but he knew he had to stop it. If he didn't get away from the blonde novelist he'd fall back into familier patterns and no matter how good it might feel at first he knew neither one of them would be happy. With trembling hands he pushed himself away.   
"Why did you come here Yuki?" he asked quietly. The blonde looked at him for a moment.   
"What you wrote in your note wasn't true Shuichi," Eiri answered slowly. "I do want you at home and I was happy living with you. But I know I've hurt you more times than anyone should have to stand." The golden eyed man's voice was soft and sounded a little strange. Shuichi looked up and saw the tears that glittered in his former lover's eyes.   
"You always said that you didn't want me around... and I know that you don't love me. You don't have to lie anymore Yuki, I'll be fine without you, really I will. Just leave me alone so I can forget you," Shuichi objected and really wished Eiri would go away.   
"So you really don't want us to be anymore? It won't make any diffrence what I say, will it?" the blonde asked with hurt. The singer stared at him. Why did Yuki suddenly let him see so many of his feelings? Shuichi found himself getting angry. So the novelist did care about him. All those hard words, every time he had been pushed away had been out of care? The pink-haired man shook his head.   
"I don't want the hurt anymore!" he almost screamed. "I don't want to go back to wondering when I'm allowed to come close and when I might be thrown out for showing you the way I feel! You're not happy when we're together and when you're not happy I can't be happy either!" His words hit Yuki like punches.   
"Shuichi I'm not happy now, I don't think I've ever felt so miserable as I do when you're not around and I can see that you're not happy either." Shuichi shook his head again. It was very unlike Eiri to say something like that but it didn't matter. If he gave in now things would be the same in a week or two and he couldn't even stand the thought of that.   
"So if I come back you'll be happy, happier?" the singer asked with a strange tone in his voice.   
"That's all I want Shuichi, that you'll come back to me," Yuki said softly and reached out to him.   
"But it's not what I want! For over two years I've been bending over backwards to make you happy but you weren't happy Yuki! I don't want to live like that ever again! It's tearing me apart not to be with you but being with you hurts too. Just go away! I don't ever want to see you again! I just want to forget the day I met you and move on!" The blonde novelist seemed to shrink infront of him. _I'm no better than him, _the singer cried inside. _I'm lying just to hurt him. _

Akira looked up in time to see Yuki Eiri walk out of the room and closing the door behind him. His face was shadowed with pain and defeat. For a moment the novelist stood there swaying before he gave the crimson-haired man a confused look and crashed down on the floor.   
"Eiri!" Aka yelled and rushed over to him. He got no reply the blonde who was limp and dangerously pale. Quickly the taller man opened the door behind them and looked at Shuichi. "Call an ambulance and be quick about it!" The singer just stared at him and then at the blonde man lying on the floor. Realizing that Shuichi wouldn't be able to do what he asked Aka ran past him and grabbed the phone. His voice was fast and filled with concern as he told the person on the other end what had happened and demanded them to send an abulance as fast as possible. When Akira was sure he had made himself understood he threw the phone down and went back to the unconscious novelist.   
"Yuki do you see now... You're better off without me in your life." The low voice made Aka look up. Shuichi was standing next to him and his eyes were sad and lost. "I didn't mean to lie to you and hurt you so much but I don't know what else to do."   
"What are you babbling about?!" Akira growled. "HIRO!" he called out after giving Shuichi a long look. The guitarist came running down the corridore and almost fell over when he saw the limp novelist on the floor.   
"What happened?" he asked and looked at his friend who was just standing there, crying quietly.   
"I don't know. Can you get me a blanket, the ambulance should be here any moment now." Hiro nodded and left again. "Shuichi why didn't you listen to him?" Aka asked softly. "He was trying to tell you how he feels." The singer took a step back and shook his head as if he was trying to deny what he had heard. _How could I make such a mistake? _Akira asked himself. _I was pushing it too far and too fast this time! Damn! 25 years should have taught me better. _

By: Atsureki 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC?, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please). 

Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories.

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 4

He was awake but hadn't opened his eyes yet. It almost felt like his eyelids were glued shut but he didn't care. He remembered what had happened and sighed at the outcome that he had paved the way for for two years. If he only had known what was going to happen, if he only had been a little nicer, a little more open. It really didn't matter how much he wanted to change the past though, it was an opportunity he had allowed to slip through his fingers. After having wallowed in his mistakes for a while he realized that someone was holding his hand. Slender fingers gripped his almost desperatly. Those fingers seemed familier. Yuki slowly opened his eyes expecting to find a pink-haired young man sitting by his side.   
"Eiri," a soft voice said and the hold on his hand got tighter. The novelist sighed with disappointment. It wasn't Shuichi who sat beside the bed, it was his brother-in-law.   
"Yes Touma." The girl-like blonde smiled slightly at him.   
"You really gave us a scare Eiri. For a moment I thought you..." Yuki silenced him with a glare.   
"Where's Shuichi?" he asked flatly and met Touma's eyes for a moment before the other man looked away.   
"He went home with hm... Narazaki-san."   
"Oh," the blonde novelist sighed. So Shuichi really didn't want anything more to do with him.   
"Eiri... There's something I need to say to you," Touma said after a while. _Not this again, _Yuki growled inside. _Shuichi is bad for me, he'll only hurt me, he doesn't love me, he'll leave. _He really didn't want to hear that again.   
"I already know how you feel about Shuichi and I really don't care Touma," Yuki muttered.   
"That wasn't what I was about to say. Shindou-san called me after the ambulance had picked you up, he wanted to talk to me," his brother-in-law mumbled. The novelist frowned.   
"So?" Touma let go of his hand and sighed deeply.   
"Eiri I don't know what's been going on between you two but Shindou-san told me to tell you that he... that he lied to you and that he's sorry it had to end like this." Touma sounded a bit confused. "I suppose he thought you would know what he was refering to?"   
"How long have I been here?" Yuki asked with a very strange look in his golden eyes and completely ignored what he just had heard.   
"Four days. The doctor said that you hadn't been eating or sleeping enough, that along with a lot of mental stress caused your body to collapse." The novelist snorted. How was he suppose to look after himself when he had made such a mess of everything, when everything was so wrong?   
"Isn't this where you tell me that you knew this was going to happen since I insisted on staying with Shuichi?" Yuki asked sharply and glared at the man beside him. Touma gave him a hurt look and shook his head.   
"I know what you think about me Eiri and I'm sorry that I've proved that you were right so many times but believe me... I didn't want this to happen to you."   
"To me? To me!" Yuki lashed out. "You haven't changed one bit Touma! What about Shuichi?! He's the one this shouldn't have happened to dammit! I could have gone on, probably forever, treating him like shit and you wouldn't even have noticed, you wouldn't even have cared! But I care Touma! Do you hear me?! I care about Shuichi!" The shorter blonde stared at him until Yuki had to look away. Touma wasn't the one he was angry with but he had to yell at somebody. He really should be yelling at himself but that wouldn't have given him as much satisfaction, he just had to see someone else hurt.   
"I know you care about him but we both know that your relationship isn't healthy," Touma objected sounding as if he was defending himself.   
"You don't have to tell me that! Don't you think I know that Shuichi was unhappy living with me? Don't you think I wish I could take back all the nasty things I've said and done to him? I should have let him go a long time ago but I couldn't! And do you know why? If you don't I'll gladly tell you why Touma! I can't let him go because I love him!" They stared at each other for a long time. One shocked by what he had heard, the other one shocked by what he had said. Yuki slowly closed his eyes and to his surprise he realized that he was crying. There he had said it, said what he hadn't been able to say before and what good did it do him now? It was too late, it was too little too late. 

Shuichi took one last look at the apartment that had been his home for almost two years. He really didn't want to leave and he didn't want to be anywhere but by Yuki's side. It was tearing him apart to stay away but he had to. _Yuki,_ he sighed inside, _I really wish I could help you._ He wanted to hear that voice tell him to shut up or to go away or that he was an annoying little pest, anything no matter what it was as long as he could hear Yuki talk to him again. But he had failed his former lover. Failed to protect him, failed to love him the right way. Yes it had hurt to be pushed away so many times, to be scolded about everything he did but deep down inside Shuichi found himself realizing that there were more behind the novelist's actions then he had understood. As his lover he should have been able to see past the hard shell Yuki put up, he should have understood why the novelist acted so cold. The past that haunted Eiri was the answer to why but somewhere along the way Shuichi had forgotten to remember that. Suddenly the door opened and the singer froze with his back turned to whoever it was that came in. _Please don't let it be Yuki,_ he moaned inside, _please don't let it be Yuki, please let it be Yuki._ He desperatly wanted it to be Yuki just as he wanted it not to be. Shuichi sighed and turned around.   
"I was hoping to find you here," a soft voice said. "Shindou-san why are you doing this?" The singer bit his lip and wished he didn't have to answer.   
"Because I have to even though I don't want to. Yuki will be better off without me." The other man shook his head slowly.   
"We both know that isn't true. Eiri is devastated that you're leaving him." The vocalist closed his eyes.   
"Seguchi-san you of all people should understand this. You've never wanted me to be with Yuki," Shuichi mumbled. The girl-like blonde let out a soft but cold chuckle and then became quiet for a long time.   
"Are you leaving because Eiri isn't nice to you?"   
"No..." the pink-haired youth answered.   
"Then why did you make him think that?" Touma asked, his voice harsh and still so soft. A fair question but Shuichi didn't want to admitt that he had told his former lover that just to hurt him, just so that for once the cold novelist would understand how it felt to be pushed away. "You don't have to say anything, I think I know the answer. This is about revange, isn't it?" The pink-haired man nodded slowly. "Well you've succeeded. Eiri knows that the way he's been treating you is wrong and he's hurting because of it. Now I think it's time for you to stop this sillyness. I know you love him." Shuichi stared at the floor. Yes he loved Yuki, loved him more than anything but that was part of the reason he had to leave.   
"Seguchi-san I can't be what Yuki needs. He needs more than I can ever give him, he needs... help. And I can't give him that because I love him too much and there's something wrong with my love. I'll always be in his way, blocking him from moving on, I refuse to do that anymore," the singer explained with tears in his voice. "This is breaking my heart but I have to do what's right without thinking about myself for once." 

Touma sighed inside. Shuichi was one of the most unselfish people he had ever met but that had obviously slipped the vocalist by. For some reason Eiri's former lover thought that he had hurt the novelist because he was selfish. Touma didn't like their relationship and he would never admitt to anyone that Shuichi had actually helped Eiri but he knew deep down inside that that was the case.   
"Shindou-san how is this going to help Eiri? He's hurting so badly from all this and still you insist on saying that it's the best thing for him?"   
"Have you ever had a really bad dream that you never got to finish because someone always woke you up?" Shuichi asked quietly. Touma raised an eyebrow and eyed the young man infront of him.   
"Sure. But what does that have to do with anything?"   
"If you never get to finish your nightmares you'll never learn if you can save yourself from them or how they end. It's the same with Yuki and me. He needs to work through his problems on his own but I'm always interrupting him, I'm always in the way," Shuichi answered sounding very tired and sad. "I refuse to allow that to continue any longer. I want Yuki to be happy and he can't be happy with me because there's something wrong with me!" Touma sighed. The singer was wrong but what could he say to change his mind. Shuichi was extremly stubborn once he made up his mind about something.   
"All I ask of you is that you go and see Eiri in the hospital. Just give him a little hope, show him that he hasn't ruined everything, please Shindou-san," the older man begged.   
"I can't do that Seguchi-san, I'm sorry but I just can't," the pink-haired singer cried before he grabbed the last of his things and ran out.   
"You're killing him... You want to do the right thing but you're killing him... and you're killing yourself too," Touma sighed to the empty apartment. 

__

Time passes by so fast when you're miserable, Yuki muttered in his head and again faced the crimson-haired man before him.   
"Eiri you have to focus," Akira sighed to the novelist. "Now answer my question." The blonde frowned and squirmed on his chair. He really, really didn't want to answer that question. "Okay if you don't want to answer I'm not going to ask you again. I'm trying to help you Eiri but if you don't care I have no reason to continue this any further." Yuki pouted and glared at the older man.   
"Fine! Yes I use and hurt people and I don't care how that makes them feel." Aka smiled softly and patted the novelist on the shoulder.   
"And do you know why you don't care?" The small room was silent for a long time.   
"Because they don't care about me?" Yuki suggested with hesitation.   
"Ah. So you hurt and use Shuichi because he doesn't care about you?" The novelist winced at the question. _That's not true! _he screamed inside, _I know Shuichi cares for me. _.   
"I don't use him!" the blonde objected harshly.   
"Hm... Let me change my question Eiri. Have you ever, for example, had sex with Shuichi just because you felt bored or lonely? Have you ever used his love for you? Have you ever hurt him knowing that he'd let you just because he loves you so much?"   
"Yes." The answer slipped out before Yuki could stop it. With a low moan the novelist lowered his face and really wished he would just die.   
"Eiri I know that it hurts to admitt that but I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Really I'm not. That's not what this is about. The blame can't be put on you here even though I know that's what you're thinking right now. I'm just trying to make you realize what it is you're doing and why. I know Shuichi and I'm sure he would do anything just to brighten your day, hm or night for that matter. But, you have to be honest with yourself here. You have a need to be in controle of everything that's emotinal. When you don't have controle over yourself and others you panic. There's a part of you that pulls you into doing things you really don't want to do, isn't there?" the therapist asked softly. Yuki stared at him with wide eyes filled with surprise.   
"I want to do something one way and it just takes over forcing me to do the exact opposite," he answered loudly and shook his head. "Why is it doing that?"   
"That part is still you Eiri. It's trying to protect you from yourself by hurting anyone who has the possibility of coming close, it pushes them away so that you're the one who controles how you and for example Shuichi feels. You're fooling yourself into thinking that that's going to keep you safe and happy. It's that part of you that you need to learn to controle." Akira explained. "To others it looks like you want to hurt them but I don't think that's the case, not deep down inside of you, but you're too use to giving in, too scared of letting go and allowing yourself to just feel. I think you know, just as I do, that you've been especially cold and mean to Shuichi and the answer to why is something you need to find yourself. I can only help you so much, the final piece of the puzzle however, I can't give you. You will have to find it yourself and it will most likely be hard and take time but it can also happen just like that," the therapist added with a snap of his fingers 

Completely exhausted Yuki Eiri walked out from his session with Akira. His mind and body were so tired he could barely walk straight. There had been other shrinks through the years since that horrible day in New York but none of them had ever managed to get underneth the coldness that surrounded him. But Akira was diffrent, he seemed to know exactly how the novelist worked and what he felt even before Yuki knew himself. More than three months had passed since that day when Shuichi had left him all alone and still the blonde novelist couldn't stop missing his former lover. He hadn't seen the pink-haired singer after the fiasko at the club but Touma kept him updated. Shuichi wasn't doing much better than he was. The fans demanded more shows but the singer refused and K was about ready to shoot Shuichi because of the poor efforts he made during recordings but the vocalist didn't seem to care anymore. Yuki sighed deeply. He needed to fix the whole mess he had created but how? With a deep frown the novelist finally reached his building and was to say the least shocked to find his former lover standing outside looking terribly lost and confused.   
"Shuichi?" Yuki asked softly and winced when the younger man backed away from his voice as if it had burnt him. "Are you okay?" The singer's violet eyes darted around refusing to meet the novelist's.   
"I... just... don't... after... and," he mumbled making no sense what so ever.   
"Do you want to come up?" Yuki ached inside as he forced himself not to pull the smaller man into his arms and never ever let him go again.   
"I should... go... I just..." _He doesn't even know how to talk to me anymore, _the blonde sighed inside with sorrow. He watched as his former lover turned around to leave. Shuichi stopped for a moment and glanced at the novelist with tears in his eyes. "I miss you Yuki," he added with a sad sigh and then he was gone.   
"I miss you too Shuichi," Eiri mumbled as the pink fluff of hair disappeared around the corner, "and I love you." 

The darkness around him felt rather safe. For short periods of time he could fool himself into thinking that everything was back to normal. Yuki sighed and searched through his pockets on the hunt for a smoke. When he couldn't find his pack he gave up too tired to really care. Akira's questions were tumbling around inside of his head and that was the last thing he needed at the moment. He had caused so much hurt, inflicted so much pain on others. _Others? _Eiri asked himself. _Who cares about others? I've caused many people hurt and pain but the only one that matters is Shuichi. He's the one who should have been saved from all that and he should have been saved from... me. _That thought hurt. The best thing would be to just forget about his former lover, to hide him away with all the rest of his past but he couldn't. His mind and heart refused to let go of Shuichi. Not that he wanted to but perhaps it would be the best thing for Shuichi.   
"I should be locked up somewhere far away from him," the novelist muttered out loud. Yuki sighed and rested his head in his hands. He had started working with Aka because he wanted to change, needed to be the Yuki Shuichi deserved. Aka, however, had been very unimpressed with that.   
"Eiri this isn't about changing who you are. This is about unlocking yourself. Sure it will most likely mean that you'll change but it's not our goal. And trying to change yourself to suit someone else will never work in the long run. You need to take a good look at yourself and decide if you are willing to work with this." Akira's voice filled the empty apartment in a ghostly way. To his surprise Yuki had found that he did want to work with himself, he wanted to change the way he acted. But could he? He had spent so many years hiding his feelings so he wasn't sure he even could remember how to be 'normal' anymore. His thoughts drifted to the part of their session where Akira had confronted him, making him realize that he had been using Shuichi. That was a thing that really hurt. He had been using his lover. Taking what he needed without really caring or understanding how much it must have hurt Shuichi. Eiri rubbed his face and sighed deeply.   
"I've ruined everything and I didn't even understand what I was doing." As on cue the voice in his head started meddling in his thoughts. _You don't know that Eiri. Don't sell Shuichi short here. If you just can be more honest and open maybe he'll come back to you? It's obvious he stills love you and he said himself that he misses you. _"I don't deserve him and I'll never forgive myself if I hurt him again!" the novelist objected and the dry voice let out a cold laugh. _We always hurt the ones we love it's the way of life and love, but we accept the hurt inflicted on us by loved ones because love is more important than anything. If you give up on Shuichi now we both know what's going to happen. _Yuki shuddered. Yes he knew what the future would be like if he didn't fight for this but... but he just had to push himself aside! Shuichi was the one who he had to focus on, not himself. _I'll show you something that you probably don't remember Eiri,_ the voice whispered and pulled the novelist's mind away to the past. 

//Shuichi looked at him and smiled.   
"You came Yuki," the singer chirped and threw himself at his lover. The blonde novelist couldn't help but smile slightly as he wrapped his arms around the singer.   
"I thought we might go out to dinner if you're done for the day," Eiri said slowly. The pink ball of energy bounced against him and giggled.   
"I'm ready to go!" he stated with joy and attached himself to his lover's arm.   
"Well then let's go Baka." Shuichi rolled his eyes at being called baka and started dragging Yuki towards the door.   
"So where are we going?" the singer asked as the left the NG building and headed to the blonde's car.   
"That's a surprise. You'll find out when we get there," Eiri winked at him and unlocked the car.// 

__

See. You haven't just caused him pain. Shuichi was very happy that night and you know it, the voice said after allowing Yuki to pull away from the memory. That was true. The voicalist had been happy and so had Eiri. But one good night didn't make up for all the bad ones. _Now, now don't do that! You must realize that those nights, no matter how few they might have been, were part of the reason Shuichi stayed for so long. Can't you understand that he loves you so much that it was worth all the harsh words if you just opened up sometimes and showed him the other side of yourself? _  
"Maybe, but it shouldn't have been like that! It should be the other way around. A few times of hurt, preferbly none at all, and so many times where we were happy," Eiri sighed. _Well then make sure that's the way it is next time. It's up to you Eiri. Only you can make that change. _The voice seemed to have said what it wanted and disappeared. Yuki left the couch and began pacing his apartment. Could there still be a chance for him to mend all his mistakes? Could Shuichi ever forgive him for being such a cold hearted bastard? So many questions and not nearly enough answers. 

By: Atsureki 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shone-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please). 

Writing in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). 

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 5

Aka sighed and looked at the crying form on his bed. He really liked Shuichi and it tore him apart to see the young man so lost and in so much pain. Slowly he sat down beside the singer and patted him on the back.   
"What happened?" Akira asked although he was fairly sure he already knew.   
"I... met Yuki," Shuichi sobbed and tried to stop crying. "He asked me to... to come up but..."   
"Sch Shu it's okay. I know that you couldn't do that," the older man said softly. "I know you want to go back to Eiri and I know that you think you can't." The pink-haired singer looked up.   
"What do you mean? I know I can't be with Yuki, I want to but I can't because there's something wrong with me!" Shuichi yelled and a new set of tears ran down his cheeks. Aka raised an eyebrow.   
"And exactly what is it that's so wrong with you?" he asked carefully.   
"I love him but all I ever do is get in his way, hurt him, fail him..." Akira couldn't stop himself from letting out a dry laugh. _Talk about being way off track,_ he sighed inside.  
"Shu that's nonsense and you know it! There is nothing wrong with you at all. The only one that failed Eiri is that bastard Yuki who betrayed him in New York and the only one who hurts Eiri is Eiri himself. He doesn't understand it completely yet but he will in due time." Shuichi stared at his friend. The singer had no idea that Aka worked with Yuki and therefor no way of knowing that the novelist had told the therapist about his past. But then the slender man before him didn't know he was being worked with either. Unlike the complicated novelist Shuichi wouldn't respond well to sessions and Akira knew that. Instead he worked with the singer in a friendly way making it look like he just cared, which he really did. "I really think it would help you if you went to talk to Eiri. Take a good look into his eyes and rethink everything you feel and think about him," Aka added after a moment.   
"But..."  
"Shuichi! Stop being so stubborn! Go over and talk to the man, it's not going to kill you and it's not going to kill him!" Akira interrupted.   
"But what if I..." the singer whispered not really knowing what it was he might do wrong.   
"I'll give you a few rules. Don't let your heart push you into doing anything stupid, make sure you tell him how you feel. And don't under any circumstances what so ever sleep with Eiri... It's really not that complicated." Aka knew that it probably wasn't exactly that easy but both Shuichi and Yuki needed to face each other before they could move on, either together or separately. The singer blushed.   
"Why can't I... um you know?" he asked, embarrassed beyond himself. Aka smiled softly.   
"Because sex isn't the answer here, it'll only pull both of you astray from the real issue. You two need to talk, not hump each other like starved rabbits!" It shouldn't have been possible but Bad Luck's vocalist turned an ever deep shade of red. "Now go get dressed." 

The buzz from the intercom woke him up. With a yawn Yuki pulled his hands through his messy blonde hair and got up. He pressed the button after a moment of hesitation, not sure he wanted to see anyone.   
"Yes?"   
"It's Shuichi may I come up?" a low and trembling voice asked. Eiri swallowed and couldn't say anything for a while. "Yuki?"   
"Sorry, of course come up," the novelist finally answered and closed his eyes. Shuichi was there to see him, but what did he want? The novelist was scared and felt how his mind did what it was so used to do when it really didn't feel like it was in complete controle, it pulled up the icewall and fooled him into thinking it would keep him safe and happy. _Eiri you have to fight it,_ the dry voice ordered him, _don't let it beat you this time too. If you do you'll hurt Shuichi again!_ The doorbell shot through his brain before he could start struggling. With cold eyes Yuki opened and stepped aside to let his former lover in.  
"What do you want?" he asked, once again sounding like the younger man was nothing but a bother. Shuichi gave him a defeated look and stayed outside. _Eiri!_ the voice barked, _you're pushing him away again! Stop it! _The vocalist sighed and slowly shook his head.  
"I shouldn't have come here," he mumbled and turned around to leave. The hurt in his voice was enough to make Yuki struggle against the part of him that he really didn't want to show anymore. With a small grunt he managed to shove it into the back of his mind where it belonged.   
"Shuichi please don't go," the blonde objected and placed a shaking hand on his former lover's shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound like that." For a moment the pink-haired man seemed to hesitate then he turned around, but he didn't come closer. "Please come in," he added and stepped aside again. Shuichi looked at his face for a long time before he walked in. Yuki swallowed and closed the door behind them. He had won a small victory over himself but there were bigger battles to fight, harder wars to win. "Won't you sit down." The younger man nodded and sank down on the couch that had been his bed when he first moved in. Eiri sat down too and they spent a while just looking at each other. 

Shuichi almost chocked at the sight of the blonde's face. He had missed looking at Yuki so much, just as he had missed hearing his voice, and he knew that that made him weak, but he had to do what he had come there for.   
"I just came over to tell you I'm sorry that I lied to you," the vocalist mumbled. Not really the reason for his visit but it was a start and something he really wanted to apologize for. Yuki gave him a confused look.   
"You said that to Touma too but I don't understand. When did you lie to me?" The novelist's voice was soft and a little bit strained. Shuichi lowered his eyes to the floor and played with his shirt.   
"I lied when I told you that I left because of the way you treated me. I was trying to hurt you," he answered with shame. "And I lied when I said that I would be fine without you, that I would forget you." The words tumbled out of his mouth and he hoped that the blonde heard them all.   
"Shuichi, I did hurt you too much and perhaps it would be better if you did forget about me. That way I'll never hurt you again," Eiri replyed sadly. The vocalist snapped his head up and met golden eyes filled with pain and sorrow.   
"I can't Yuki, I can't forget you and I don't want to. Even if you would go on hurting me, pushing me away every day for the rest of my life it'll still be better than..." his voice trailed off as he began to cry. Angry with himself Shuichi pushed away the tears and straightened himself. "It would still be better than being without you. But... I'm standing in your way when I'm with you. It's like me being here keeps you from being happy." The novelist stared at him and shook his head.   
"No, that's not true! I am happy being with you but I'm not happy with myself. Do you understand?" Eiri objected and gave his former lover a pleading look begging him to understand. "It's not that I want to hurt you the way I always do but it's like I can't help myself, like I can't stop myself from doing it over and over again. I have no excuse for what I've been doing to you these past years and I can't ask you to forgive me for it but please Shuichi, I'm begging you not to put the blame on yourself. None of this is your fault."   
"It has to be my fault! I failed you Yuki. I was too selfish to consider your past, the scars you have inside. But instead of understanding I just... made everything... wrong and I hate myself for that! That's why I left you and I really thought I was doing the right thing but I just made you hurt more, failed you all over again!" The vocalist was crying hard and looked every bit as torn apart as he felt inside. Suddenly warm arms scooped him up and a soft chest pressed against his cheek. Trembling Shuichi pushed away the warnings in his head and clinged to Yuki.   
"I'm sorry, so sorry... I didn't see how all this was hurting you and I wish I could go back and change that but I can't. All I can do is change the future and I'm trying to. Don't be so hard on yourself Shuichi, it's not your fault and it wasn't meant to be your mission to make me understand myself," the blonde mumbled softly. "You showed so much strength when you left me even though I know it hurt you so much and if you hadn't had the courage to do that I would never have met Aka. He's helping me Shuichi and it's all because of you so don't you dare say that you've failed me." Carefully the younger man looked up. _I did helped him? I didn't mess everything up? _he asked himself and almost drowned in the golden gaze.   
"You're working with Aka?"   
"Yes, every day for the last five weeks and he is helping me. It's slow but I'm beginning to understand why I've been such a monster to you and alot of other people. All those things I did to you, all the times I used you knowing that you loved me enough to put up with it," Eiri explained and looked so hurt it almost crushed the smaller man's heart. It was so strange to Shuichi. Yuki had changed so much and the pain in his voice was so deep it was breathtaking. But the pain wasn't new it had always been there hidden behind layers of ice and hard walls. _If I only could have understood this before, _the vocalist sighed inside, _then maybe I could have helped Yuki better._   
"I'm sorry I didn't understand."   
"How could you have understood? I spent years hiding everything from everybody including myself. You did help me! Before I met you I didn't care at all but you changed that even if I couldn't let go of... of the walls and show my feelings. Shuichi I've been horrible to you because I'm scared of you, your feelings for me and most of all my feelings for you." 

Eiri frowned slightly at his own words. There it was! That was what Akira had tried to show him. The reason for his acting was right there and now he could finally see it and understand it. He was scared of loving Shuichi. Scared because if he allowed all his feelings to show he wouldn't have controle and he could get hurt. By accepting Shuichi's love he'd again be robbed from the controle he thought he needed so badly. _How pathetic of me, _the novelist mocked himself, _all that hurt and pain I've caused Shuichi just because I'm scared of loving him, of being loved by him. _For a moment Yuki damned himself. _And here I've been calling him Baka? Well that's a laugh! I'm the Baka here not him. _  
"I don't understand," the vocalist mumbled when the novelist didn't say anything more. Carefully he tilted up the smaller man's face and met his eyes.   
"Everytime I wanted to hold you close or tell you how I feel I got scared of losing controle. It was the same when I opened the door earlier. When I'm scared of things that are emotional a part of me takes over and puts up that cold facade you've seen more times than you should have. I wanted to push you away just to see if you would come back. It doesn't make much sense I know that, but I was trying to test you and your feelings for me. I didn't even fully understand it myself until just now. I was especially cold and mean to you because... you scare me more than anything. I'm afraid of you and what you bring with you because I love you." Shuichi stared at him in utter confusion. "I'm afraid of loving you because I don't feel I have controle, and I'm afraid of your love because I don't think anyone can love someone like me. I tried to regain controle over everything by pushing you away. By doing that I had the controle so that I was the one who pushed you away instead of you pushing me away because I wouldn't be able to stand that." A soft hand wiped away tears that the novelist shed unknowingly. Eiri knew that he wasn't exactly making perfekt sense with what he said but he hoped and prayed that Shuichi understood what he meant. It was all so clear to him now. Aka had been right all along, he was trying to protect himself from everything that confused him or made him feel like he had no controle. Love was impossible to controle and it certainly was confusing, so no wonder he had struggled so hard against it. But that struggling was over. _I will never ever again hide my feelings from Shuichi again! _Eiri promised himself. It would be hard and it would take a lot of work but it would be worth it in the end, if his former lover could forgive him.   
"Yuki? Are you okay?" a soft voice asked and pulled him away from his thoughts.   
"Shuichi will you come back to me?" The question slipped past the novelist's lips unasked. "I'm sorry I have no right to ask that of you," Eiri sighed and damned himself. Shuichi let go of him and backed away. _No please no, _the blonde cried inside, _I've ruined it all over again. _He had gone too far.   
"Yuki..." The older man shivered and slowly looked up to meet those lavender eyes. "I want to be with you more than anything but..." _Oh please no buts, please don't let me lose him all over again. _"But only if you promise me that you won't hide from me again. I love all of you Yuki, the bad sides too if you'd only give me a chance to understand them. And please, tell me to shut up, call me Baka," the pink-haired singer mumbled. With surprise Eiri stared at him not really sure he had heard him right.   
"What?"   
"You have no idea of how much I have missed your voice. I would wake up in the middle of the night praying to any God I could think of that you would tell me to shut up again. Please tell me to shut up." Yuki smiled at his lover and for the first time in many many years that smile really reached his eyes.   
"Baka, shut up," he murmured with affection in his low voice. Shuichi sighed with content and crawled into his lap.   
"Thanks Yuki."   
"Shuichi, my name's Eiri not Yuki," the novelist said with his face pressed against pink hair.   
"I know but you're my Yuki no matter what your real name is, " the vocalist objected and curled up against the blonde's chest. Arms embraced him and held him with love.   
"Yuki it is then," Eiri smiled softly. "And your Yuki loves you, I love you, always remember that."   
"Shuichi loves you too, more than anything."  
The novelist smiled to himself. He didn't have controle but he realized that when he had let go they had the controle together. A controle built by trust and love, and even if he'd end up getting hurt it would still be worth it. Putting himself on the line and risking to get hurt or betrayed again felt right and he knew, finally had the courage to really believe, that Shuichi would never do that to him. He could tell by the smaller man's breathing that he was about to fall asleep and he didn't mind since his own eyes were starting to drift close too. He would be completely content sitting there holding his lover forever.

Akira looked at a familier couple that crossed the busy street. It always surprised him when he managed to help someone but the two men who now were walking on the oppsite sidewalk were special to him.   
"Yuki Eiri and Shindou Shuichi. A perfect couple indeed," Aka smiled to himself. To anyone else they looked the same as two years ago when the therapist had first met them. Shuichi clinging to Eiri's arm babbling about something, everything, while Yuki seemed annoyed and uninterested but Narazaki Akira could see that the blonde novelist was listening to every word and that he really didn't mind at all. It was strange how he never had managed to completely take down the cold wall surrounding Eiri even after two years of therapy. The blonde novelist still seemed cold and uncaring to everybody else but inside he did feel again and towards his younger lover he was very diffrent. Shuichi had grown tougher and could take the hard words that Eiri sometimes barked at him, when he got scared or unsure, and the novelist had learnt to show his partner how he felt, to allow himself not to have complete controle. It had taken them a lot of hard work and sometimes it had seemed impossible but with Aka's help and guidance they had come so far together. All in all it was a success. Akira smiled to himself. "I'm stupid, you're smarter. I'm stupid thinking there's a way, this could turn out right..." Aka hummed. He still remembered those lyrics and they always made him smile. "Ah but there was a way, there really was a way," the crimson-haired man chuckled before he turned around and left the busy sidewalk. 

~Owari~

By: Atsureki

This is how I look at Eiri's "problem". I have no way of knowing if I'm right or not but being a controle freak myself I just couldn't help but recognizing myself. Love is a stupid thing *smiles* It's impossible to controle and it confuses me out of my mind. *nods* Oh well lemme know what you think please... 


End file.
